Saturday, March 31, 2007

Weekend Timewasters

So I've found two new games that will help you lose track of all manner of time! One is a download -- totally worth it -- the other is online. They're both free and they're both awesome.

Krank is simultaneously the most soothing and the most maddening game you've ever played. Downloadeth thee this game immediately. Stunning backgrounds and beautiful colors join simple puzzle play that requires just a little manual dexterity.

And if you're looking for an easy, also soothing, not as maddening, game, check out Boomshine over on The goal on this one is to start a chain reaction to get as many dots blown up as's kind of like Missile Command, but you only get one explosion to set the whole chain going. It has a really cool soundtrack and nice sound effects -- you can turn music off or on at the beginning of any level, depending on how you're feeling.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Wait -- because he's nude? Or because he's chocolate? Or ...

A planned exhibition featuring a life-size sculpture of Jesus Christ made completely of chocolate has been canceled.

Apparently, artist Cosimo Cavallaro's "My Sweet Lord," an avant garde depiction of Jesus in 200 pounds of milk chocolate, was just All. Too. Shocking. for the Catholic League and others, including Cardinal Edward Egan.

So, I get that you have the right to be offended by that. Just like I have the right to think you're ridiculous for being offended.

But why bring so much pressure to bear that you shut down the whole exhibition? It was only scheduled to be a week long, and we've all -- Christians and non-Christians -- got more important things on our mind this Holy Week than a controversial-for-controversy's-sake piece of art.

Mike wrote and preached about Laughing Jesus a while back. I'd like to believe that this whole episode -- the sculpture itself and the hubbub surrounding it -- would make the Big Guy more than chuckle.

And let's talk about what's really bothering them.

Seriously -- is it that the sculpture is a nude, loincloth-free Jesus? I wasn't around 2000 years ago, but I'm pretty sure the men had penises back then. (You can click here if you want to see the whole sculpture. Be warned, though, it is a life-size, nude sculpture of Jesus made out of chocolate. So if you don't want to see it, don't click it. Duh.)

Is it because he's made of chocolate? I can think of no greater tribute, except maybe if he was made of cheesecake.

Or is it because the Western notion of Jesus is that he looks like "us"? Did Cavallaro goof? If he'd have used white chocolate for the sculpture, would everything have worked out?


After a long day of floating on their backs and doing cute little human things with their hands, Steve and Katie Otterton just want some alone time -- can the zoogoers please just give them some space?

And I dare you to not even think "Awwwwwww!" as you watch what happens at the 1:20 mark.

It's otterly adorable. (This joke brought to you by Dad Semester, Harry Schell, and the Alliance for Bad Puns.)

Thursday, March 29, 2007

I Wish I Knew

Mike just e-mailed me the full-length version of this song as recorded by The Derek Trucks Band. This is, without a doubt, the most uplifting song I've heard in a while -- if you want the 4-minute version, let me know and I'll burn it for you!

And I gotta tell you, this commercial is what ministry -- what life itself -- is about to me, and I still get really inspired. Yes, to drink a Coke, but also to go be crazy generous and weirdly giving -- all over the place, all the time.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

From Dolphin Savior to Newlywed

Friends, I have great news...

Bao Xishun, previously best known as both The World's Tallest Man and also The World's Tallest Getter Of Things Out Of Dolphins' Stomachs, is married!

The 56-year-old herdsman married a 29-year-old saleswoman -- he's 7' 9" tall, she's 5' 6" -- after apparently conducting a worldwide search for the perfect bride. Turns out she was in his back yard the whole time: they're both from Chifeng in Inner Mongolia. Much like car keys and the remote control, the perfect bride is always in the last place you look...


This story has led me to reflect on previous posts, and it kind of helps me make sense of my popularity in Asia...I wonder if Chungdu and Jinan and all the others are in Inner Mongolia.

Maybe my previous posting of the dolphin-tummy story is what attracted all that hot Asian action? (Now what kind of hits will Google generate for this site? Sorry to disappoint, Google-visitors!)

Monday, March 26, 2007

Jewel, your vest needs straightening.

The passive-aggressive narrator in this training film explains that the "E" in Chuck E. Cheese stands for Entertainment. Apparently putting on the costume, walking around, and waving isn't enough.

I kind of like lethargic, shrugging Chuck E. better than Chuck-E-Sized, bumping-into-an-imaginary-wall-that's-actually-a-door Chuck E.


"...bowls of water and lots of air drying..."


Are you effing kidding me?

This family -- from New York, natch -- is living "No Impact" for a year. They have all these rules: only organic food, grown less than 250 miles from where they live; no shopping except for said food; no trash, except for composting, which they do inside their home; and ... wait for it ... NO TOILET PAPER.

Again: Are you effing kidding me?

I saw An Inconvenient Truth, too. But I didn't see it as an indictment of my very lifestyle. And I sure as shootin' didn't make choices such as Ride a scooter to work in the rain without gloves, or Quit buying olive oil and balsamic vinegar or, you know, Don't use toilet paper.

Surely there must be some middle ground. For example, Mike walks to work most days, but I'm pretty sure his family uses TP. I've never visited their house, but I'm willing to guess on that one.

And then, both in the NYTimes article and on his own website, this guy and his family get all coy around the questions of personal hygiene, but come on. I really think that's what America wants to know about. It's like Grandma Semester always said: If you're gonna make a big deal about your groundbreaking earthfirstery, you gotta expect some questions about pooping.

OK -- well, maybe not "dead" to me

I just played around on Google Analytics and realized I could play with the date range on my Geo Map Overlay. So, here's my all-time map:

Even though many of the dots are one-time-only and many of them are from six or seven weeks ago, I enjoyed this opportunity to revisit the good ol' days. My European following, the recent readers from South America, my one visit from Australia, and the way that I am a rock star in China... Ah, what memories...

Sunday, March 25, 2007


Here I am, anointed with oil*, thinking about Presence.

I arrived at 8:30 worship knowing that I had a small part -- as the director of development, I would do my part in the litany Mike had developed, Our Celebration of Giving. By 8:15, I knew that I had a bigger part -- in addition to getting invited to help with usher duties (greet, pick up prayer cards, pass the collection plate, assorted whatnot), I also had the opportunity (created by my own lack of follow-through) to play a bigger role in the litany.

So during the whole worship service (which, by the way, is still new to me -- this was only, like, my fifth or sixth Sunday worshiping at Broadway), I was somewhere else. Focusing on not screwing up ushing and preparing to do the extra part in the litany and not feeling like an idiot.

Well, I realized halfway through Mike's sermon that I did, indeed, feel like an idiot. I was more worried about my own part in worship than I was about anyone else's -- even God's. I got done what I needed to get done, and I managed not to drop the collection plate and even sounded relatively coherent in the litany.

But I'm glad I get another chance to participate in worship at 10:45. This time, I'll do better -- I hope! I'll actually pay attention during the Scripture reading, and listen to Mike's sermon, and be prepared for the hymns at the right time.

I'm thankful for the grace of God and others, and I hope that whenever anyone else feels like I do right now, I can be as forgiving and loving and supportive as so many have been to me.

Amen (...I guess?)

* "Anointed with oil?" you ask. Yep! That was part of the service today, as we heard of Jesus and his homeys traveling back to Bethany to visit Mary and Martha. Mary had this oily fragrant stuff that she put on Jesus' feet and then wiped it with her hair. So, since it was a big, big Anointing With Oil Day, Mike had oil to anoint us with as we left the service. Those of us with a problem T-zone might have considered avoiding the oil, but I'm kind of hoping that holy oil is non-comedogenic and hypoallergenic.

* Anointment Update! Carolyn used the same Scripture text at Later (or whatever it's called) last night. So I got anointed twice! I know you're concerned -- I waited a respectful amount of time and then washed my face, exfoliated, applied a deep cleansing clay masque, rinsed, exfoliated again and called it a day. So far, no break-outs!

Friday, March 23, 2007

O. M. 80s. G.

Check this out: Tron LightCycle Game!

How cool is this?! You can challenge your friend or play against the computer. It's just too awesome.

And while it lacks a certain cheesy 3-D-on-crack quality from the film, it does let you see how quickly you would perish if you were ever transported inside a computer and forced to interact with other programs. (The spandex -- my God, the spandex!)

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

I, for one, welcome our new zombie overlords!

I'm picking up World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War from the Carmel-Clay Public Library tonight.

Put it on hold yesterday and an e-mail magically appeared this morning, telling me I could pick it up today. Score!

(Yes, I am a book nerd of the highest order. I put on my robe and wizard hat...)

Anyway, according to Publishers Weekly, World War Z imagines a future history fraught with hordes of the undead. It tells the story of the world's desperate battle against the zombie threat with a series of first-person accounts "as told to the author" by various characters around the world.

On the World War Z website, you can click Calculate Risk to learn your odds for survival if you had actually lived through a zombie onslaught. Bad news,'s my result:

And, let's be honest. As soft as I am, I'd say 33% is a tad ambitious. I'd have estimated closer to, say, 15%.

Apparently, our best bet, zombie-war-survival-wise, is to get cold and get wet. We go north to where it freezes (freezing doesn't kill zombies, per se, it simply immobilizes them until the thaw -- truly, a compelling case to fight global warming if I ever heard one) or we get a boat with two years' provisions and wait it out in the middle of the ocean.

I guess the other option is to just give in and accept our zombie brethren. They're not unreasonable. I mean, no one's gonna eat your eyes.


Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Mmmmmmm...Big Snickers....Galghaghgagala...

The innovative folks over at Pimp That Snack! have created what can only be described as a culinary masterpiece: Giant Snickers.

Can you physically imagine such a thing?

To help you visualize, the small ones in the foreground are regulation-size Snickers. The big ones looming behind are the Giant Mutant Ninja Snickers that will use their super nougat powers to force you into submission. Be afraid; be very afraid.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

It's my 100th Post!

How exciting is this?! 100 bits of random trivia! And movie clips! And assorted whatnot!
From Lifetime movies to maps of the world showing my legions of fans, and from hilarious videos to all manner of recent self-disclosure, this has become quite the repository for random awesomeness.

So, if the gift for the 25th anniversary is silver and 50th is gold and 75th is diamond, I propose that for my 100th postiversary, you shower me with the most valuable natural resource available: cheesecake. Which I will eat in a sensible portion, in accordance with my new commitment to a healthier Scott.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

A question like "So, when is your baby due?"

As I pull into the church, I notice a woman sitting in the car I just parked next to. She's aggressively smoking a cigarette and looks like she's waiting for something -- or someone. I'm late for my 7:00 meeting and in a hurry to get inside. She rolls down her window; a cloud of smoke belches forth. "Are you here for the Overeaters Anonymous meeting?" Ouch. "Nope," I reply and hustle my fat ass inside.
I don't know whether there was actually an OA meeting there that night. But maybe I should check it out. Lately I've been overlooking my tightening belt, ignoring my growing beer belly that's more belly than beer, paying no attention to the bowlful of jelly behind the curtain.

I am not kidding when I tell you I think she was an angel sent by God for the Annunciation of the Girth.

I've been passively thinking "New job, new me!" for a while. I really think, now that I'm back in financial shape, back in spiritual shape, back in career shape, its time to take physical fitness seriously.


I need to make a positive change in this area of my life. So here and now, in front of God, the InterWeb, and everyone, I'm making a new commitment to my physical fitness. I still have a long-term goal of doing a triathlon, but small wins first -- baby steps, man!

I'll be spending some time on Saturday creating a plan -- it'll be a great plan, I'll bet, with charts and graphs and timelines and whatnot. But I'll need help with sticking to it...probably waking up early to make lunch instead of buying lunch at a fast-food place each day, probably waking up earlier than that so I can make time to exercise in the morning.

I don't want to become one of those people who only talk about what they ate that day and how long they worked out. I'll probably share some stories every now and then about how this is going, but I promise it won't get boring (well, any more boring than it is now).

So, pray for me or send up positive vibes or cast a spell or whatever your faith tradition supports. Let's see how this goes!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

I am, it turns out, an idiot. Aim two-by-four {here}.

On Monday night, as I was working on my application for the Lacy Leadership Series, I was looking online for some opportunities for reflection on my own leadership style, and I happened onto a website for a company called Humax. I'd never heard of Humax before, but the description of the assessment and their discussion of "social capital" piqued my curiosity, so I dropped the $25 to do the assessment and see what happened.

By asking questions about whom you're connected to and how they're all connected, the nice folks at Humax generate a pretty cool network map. They ask some basic questions that you'd expect (who your friends are, who's in your family, etc.), but then they ask other questions like "Who have you not seen for 5 or 10 years but who you could pick up the phone and call just like you saw them yesterday?" They also remind you over and over that you don't have to list everyone, just a representative sample of your contacts.

So here's my Network Map, showing how the people I thought to include are connected to me and to each other. (Click to embiggen.)

Remember, if you think you should be on there and you're not, it's nothing personal. The questions specifically tell you not to enter EVERYONE you know... (Thus ends the disclaimer portion of this post.)

Anyway, they also give you an analysis of your network -- how big it is, how diverse it is, and whether its focus is more external or internal. My network was assessed as being Expansive (bigger than normal), Diverse (more diverse than normal), and Equally Internal/External.

Here's the part where I'm an idiot: my network is diverse because I listed about an equal number of men and women, a wide range of ages, and a variety of education levels. But when it got to racial/ethnic diversity, every single person on my network is white (except one, now that I think of it, but when I was filling out the form I was so used to checking "Caucasian/White" that I checked that instead of "Hispanic/Latino").

So, my questions are:
  • Are the assessment questions worded in a way that led me only to think of my white contacts?
  • Do I, as a white person, naturally tend to think only of white people when I think of contacts in my network?
  • Do I, as a white person filling out a form that asks for race, always automatically think the default (my default), even when I'm completing information about my Latina friend Myrna?
Probably some combination...but what does this all mean? I'm specifically focusing on what this might mean at Broadway, where we're trained to seek new connections between our existing gifts and assets. What are the constraints of my network, and what are the opportunities? And what are the choices I'm making -- now and in the future?

These network maps could be a powerful tool, if we understood them and if we actually used them, rather than putting them in a file drawer somewhere. Maybe we need to create a culture where you courageously show your network, with the notion that it's always OK to add someone you hadn't added before -- and connect to someone else's network. That way, we can better collaborate on things and share, for everyone's benefit.

As I was talking with the Broadway staff about this experience (read: "As I was disclosing to the Broadway staff that I am an idiot when it comes to race"), I said I think most of our connections to the power people -- those in positions of influence that we hope to connect with -- are only two degrees away. I don't have to know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who was in a movie with Kevin Bacon. Rather, I just have to know the right questions to ask and create a space for conversation with the person that I know that allows me to elicit from them that they know Kevin Bacon.

For example, I worked for several Catholic bishops -- I'm two degrees from the Pope. (See? It's not just you that I didn't include -- the Pope didn't even make it onto my map!) And my friend Mike works at the State Department (or something) -- he's two degrees from Condoleezza Rice...probably two degrees from President Bush, even.

So what we have to do -- as a congregation at Broadway, as a community of progressive individuals and families, as a nation moving (hopefully) forward -- is to be aware of how we're connected and how to maximize the power of our networks.

This is something that I'm just beginning to explore and learn about. If you're interested in this conversation, leave a note in the comments or zap me an e-mail and we'll keep it going...

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Google Analytics and Asia are dead to me

So this was my Google Analytics map today.

Very very sad.

While I'm delighted by the additions of Bloomfield Hills, West Covina, and Montevideo (!), I am deeply affected by the fact that my Beijing fans have not visited in the last week. And the various others from the China contingent -- not to mention mis amigos en España -- have likewise abandoned me.

Alas, there may be something to this trade deficit after all.

Monday, March 12, 2007

A Mouse Story

Or, why the same-sex-marriage amendment debate affects us allies, too, not just "those people"

A Mouse Story

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.

"What food might this contain?" the mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning.

"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap -- alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer's wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.

But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.

To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral; the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.

Friday, March 09, 2007

It's official: I'm obsessed with Google Analytics

I cannot explain to you how anxiously I wait for lunch time, when I can check my Google Analytics map. Yuma is still making a strong showing, it was nice to see the gang in Colorado check in, and, of course, the Midwest is still responsible for the biggest chunk.

New additions this week: Santiago, Chile; Klang, Indonesia (maybe?); Bilbao & Ciudad Real, Spain; Dassel, MN, USA. (Huh? I know.)

New revelations: Fully 7% of my page visits in the last week have been from Beijing. This does not count visits from Changchun, Hunan, Nanching, Bazhong, Qiqihar and Jinan. 我不了解, 但是我是骄傲喜欢我的中国朋友。

I can't decide if Google Analytics is just getting the towns associated with IP addresses wrong, or people are using some sort of IP-address-scrambling device that makes Analytics think they're overseas, or I really have some sort of international appeal. (For example, the Norwegian helpdesk video should really pack in the Oslo crowd in the next few days, I'd think...)


Andy Barker, P.I., is awesome

I just watched the pilot episode of Andy Barker, P.I., starring Andy Richter as an accountant who's mistaken for a private investigator. Two thumbs up.

This series is exactly the kind of mindless awesomeness that I crave in my life right now. It's like Murder, She Wrote* meets Late Night With Conan O'Brien** and it's pretty good. It's only a half-hour show, so it moves pretty quickly and it keeps bringing the funny.

I actually watched the pilot online here. If you don't have 22 minutes, click here for the 3-minute trailer.

I'm hoping Andy's investigations will take him back to the offices of The Long Beach Star, so we can see Nicole Randall Johnson as the discourteous clerk. ("Sir, I get four, sometimes five, calls a day...I can't keep track of every single one.")

*It's suprising, I know, but I am not the webmaster of The Definitive Guide to Murder, She Wrote.
**I had no idea about the Conan vs. Bear subculture. You tell me.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Why isn't he seizing the boy?

Because he has a big head and little arms, that's why.

According to, the complete quote from the T. Rex, which makes it even more hilarious, is "I have a big head and little arms, I'm just not sure how well this plan was thought through."

Medieval Helpdesk

The nice thing about what happens when Ansgar calls the helpdesk is that the helpdesk guy is so friendly and patient.

This should be required viewing for all tech support personnel.

Status Update

Currently Linking: Your Age In Days / Peter Russell
I'm 12,283 days old. Have you lived 10,000 days, or have you lived one day 10,000 times?

Currently Listening:
Peter Cincotti / Peter Cincotti
Sometimes young jazz is the best jazz.

Currently Reading:
Solving Tough Problems / Adam Kahane
Turns out it's all about listening. Who knew?

Currently Working:
The Miracle on 29th Street / Broadway UMC
There is magic in this place. You should visit some time.

Currently Wanting:
A Dress Shirt with a Giant Squid
Come on, man: A giant squid! On a dress shirt!

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Air Supply & Demand

Oh. My. Goodness.

Earlier this evening I was making judicious use of the iTunes program on my new iMac.

(Or rather, "iEarlier ithis ievening iI iwas imaking ijudicious iuse iof ithe iTunes iprogram ion imy inew iMac." It's like iPig iLatin!)

I chose an album, started the download and got many an iError message. My network connection was getting severed or whatever, and I could not idownload imy iTunes.

Friends, this is normally not a big deal. I would just icall the IT guy and ask him to help me ifix it. Only this time ... oh, this time ... this time I could not possibly call Stephen and ask for his help. For you see, dear reader, the album I was downloading was... (brace yourself) ...

"Ultimate Air Supply"

Yes, my secret shame is that I am a fan -- an Ultimate fan, apparently -- of Australian soft rock.

Hi, my name is Scott and I'm an Airhead.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Church Fundraiser Extraordinaire!

In my time, I've seen a lot of innovative ways to raise money for church programs -- Raccoon Supper in Granville, anyone? -- but this was my first Bob Marley Tribute fundraiser.

Friday night was awesome! Big ups to SECO Radio, to all the youth, and to all the Broadway staff who made ReggaeFest 2007 happen.

I'm hoping this becomes a regular event, because it was so cool. Mike's got more on his blog and he talks about it more eloquently than I can.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Clocky Annoying Walking Clock

This is brilliant if, like me, you have trouble with a growing ten-snoozes-in-a-row habit. The video mentions "Clocky will be on the market soon..." Well, my friend -- the future is now!

Maybe I should do an Asia tour?

I do not mean to bore you, dear reader (singular). But I must show you my latest Geo Map Overlay. You'll recall the map from Thursday, a mere 3 days ago. Now, check it out:

Qiqihar, Harbin, Changchun, and Shimada are the latest additions. Why, do you suppose, do I attract the Asian reader? Also -- perhaps not unrelatedly -- hello to Portland and Seattle!

Friday, March 02, 2007


So, I'm a fast griever.

I went to Petco and found that they'd had a lot of problems with the batch of black goldfish that Mystery came from. So they found me an allegedly healthy one and, since Mystery was still under warranty, charged me nothing for Mystery 2.

Thanks for all your kind words of comfort and love at this difficult time.

R.I.P. Mystery (2007-2007)

It is with great sadness that I must report that my black goldfish was dead when I arrived in the office today. A brief funeral service was held in the Broadway Church first floor men's room this morning.

I never really saw him eat, and he wasn't growing at all like the orange one has been. I'll be taking a sample of the water to Petco this afternoon to see if there was anything we could have done or if it was just his time and God needed another aquatic angel.

I take great comfort in the knowledge that the little guy didn't pass away without a name. Just last night, one of the Broadway tutors brought his student, Antonio, down to the office to use the internet for an assignment. I let them use my computer and asked Antonio if he had any good names for the fish; he suggested a name for each of them. And while it wasn't made official at the time, I'll always remember my dear departed black goldfish as Mystery.

And now, a look back at the good ol' days:

Thursday, March 01, 2007

I'm HUGE in Chengdu

In addition to literally pairs of readers in the greater Indianapolis area, my current Google Analytics Geo Map Overlay (below) points to the other readers I have -- apparently, all around the world.

Jon is proselytizing to the Yuma community -- I've had 5 page hits from the Greater Metropolitan Yuma/Duarte area.

But it goes farther afield than just our neighbors to the southwest.

A viewer in Smithers -- some town in Western Canada named for a certain sycophantic nuclear power plant employee -- has logged on in the last week. I'm very well known in the Canadian Rockies.

I'm also hothothot in Europe -- from Valencia to London, they can't get enough Scotty. You'll soon find me at Fashion Week Milan.

But the southeast Asians love me. Chengdu, Ningbo, Nanjing, Beijing -- all I'm saying is...

I am the (i)Mac Daddy!

Got a new iMac computer at the office today. Windows is dead to me.

Not only do I have a beautiful, functional piece of office equipment but, thanks to my embedded webcam and Photo Booth software, I also have the technology to show you what it would look like from The Predator's point of view right before I was killed in a bloody, Predatory rampage:

Also, I can show you what I would look like as the United Methodist fundraising version of J. Jonah Jameson, editor of the Daily Bugle and a kindred alliterative monogram spirit:

Bonus points for the most creative (yet still safe for a family blog) thought balloon to insert in the above pic.

And next time I sing, "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" to Spike (as he did to me via e-mail when I was in Ghana), we can all imagine this Warholized version of me as Marilyn Monroe:

Just -- no captions on that last one, please.