Friday, September 28, 2007

A niece so cute I can BEARLY stand it!


I love how Madelynn is always pointing, as though she is making a Very. Important. Point. to these teddy bears.

I'm turning 300,000!

I just found out that there is an exciting EXCITING milestone coming in my life.

In 13 days -- on October 11, 2007, at 1:10pm, to be exact -- I will be exactly 300,000 hours old. It's not really all that surprising, especially if you're into math, but you turn exactly 12,500 days old at the exact time you turn 300,000 hours old.

I kind of feel like I should celebrate, man: 300,000! But what does one do at the moment he turns 300,000 hours old? I shall entertain suggestions in the comments.

In the meantime, check out the clock below, which was available on the same site where I learned that I'm about to turn 300,000. Some of it's interesting, some of it's depressing:

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Lust in translation

There was an Argentinean, had a dance and Tango was its name-o...

So for some reason last week I chose to download an album of tango music off the iTunes. Do not ask, for I have no idea why. But let me tell you this: tango music rocks!

The tango, as you may know, is a dance of pasión -- or, loosely translated, a dance of "passion". Your professional tango partner is just as likely to cut you as she is to bring you to the heights of Heaven. And technically, the tango is one of the most difficult dances to master, because when it's done right, the emotions of the performers inevitably skate on the edge, and the dance itself lives on the razor-thin line between control and abandon. Es muy sexy:



When I hear a tango song, I can almost imagine myself in a smokey dancehall somewhere, being lectured on what it's like to give your heart to a woman of ill repute only to have it crushed when she returns to her job each night:



The other reason I find the tango so compelling is its versatility. With the same song, you can imagine yourself watching a visually impaired Al Pacino:



or being party to an elaborate comedy gag with a "hilarious" man-gets-mauled-by-German-shepherd punchline:

The Sky(Mall)'s the Limit

So, I had the opportunity to enjoy the SkyMall catalog on flights to and from Denver International Airport (which I now hate -- seriously, can you not figure out how to enlarge your security area so that it doesn't take 45 minutes to get through? Which I guess was on the quick end of the scale, but still.) and I'm here to tell you, there is some crap available only in the friendly skies.

First of all, the editor of SkyMall's name is Christine Aguilera. Not Christina Aguilera, but rather Christine. Kind of like buying a book that you think is by Anne Rice, but it's really by LuAnne Rice. (Right, Natalie?)

Second of all, who would buy these:
"Gravity Defyer" shoes which make you look 2" taller but totally don't look like elevator/platform shoes.
(I call "Shenanigans" -- and wouldn't it be spelled "defier"?)

Or this:

Solar-powered, color-changing gazing ball. Huh-whaaa?



Or ... wait for it ... this, which was actually an ad in the airline magazine, not actually in the SkyMall catalog:




The ROM Four-Minute exercise machine. Get a full workout in four minutes, and pay no attention that it looks like the energy-efficient vehicle that Mr. Garrison invented.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Liveblogging the [Name of Town Redacted] City Council Meeting

In an effort to try my hand at liveblogging, I'm going to liveblog tonight's meeting of the [name of town redacted] City Council. [Name of town redacted] is a town near [name of larger city redacted] where my friend works in municipal administration. Typically we chat via IM when I'm in Indiana and she's out here, but tonight, I get to experience the joy of Council myself.

(NOTE: Start from the bottom and read up. All times are Mountain Daylight Time, for you see I am in [name of state redacted]. At some point I'll figure out how to not have to have the whole post online here. Refresh page regularly between 9:00pm and 2:00am EDT -- 7:00pm to 12:00am MDT -- to get the updates. I am not kidding.)

Here we go...!


11:27 I fall to my knees and thank my God for mercy and justice, acknowledging that a four-and-a-half-hour Council meeting really isn't that bad after all.

11:26 No one is, in fact, here to speak about the budget, and we adjourn.

11:25 The mayor moves us into the public hearing on the budget. I can't imagine anyone is here to speak about the budget.

11:23 The Council member with the very shiny head offers a sense of calm and order, inviting the discussion to continue next week.

11:20 Oooh! More-than-modest drama. Judge Judy The judge, whoever she is, is pissed about the probation discussion. She has offered a counter-proposal. Many people are glancing around questioningly; others are staring at the ceiling.

11:16 Returned to moderate drama over the Probation budget.

11:15 Missed some questions from the Council, but feel like I'm up to speed.

11:07 Potty break! And walk! And general relaxation!

11:06 ATTENTION CHECK: Seven Council members awake and alert. One blogger fading fast.

11:04 We're done with director reports.

11:01 I realize that the fire chief's voice is very relaxing and soothing. A nap sounds good...

10:59 I am informed that the dude before was a battalion chief, so he was an actual chief...just not THE chief.

10:57 As he defends his budget, we are entertained by the smooth vocal tones of the fire chief -- so I guess the dude before was somehow Fire-related but not actually the chief.

10:56 The mayor calls for a motion to suspend the rules and extend the meeting. Roll call! Everybody says yes.

10:53 Questions for Phil.

10:52 And then he goes into an urgently whispered diatribe about how great the local MLB team is doing.

10:51 Man next to my friend asks my friend for the ballgame scores again.

10:50 Phil proposes raising greens fees at one of the golf courses by a dollar or two. No one cares.

10:47 The parks director takes another seat, this time well in front of Leonard.

10:45 Community Development's turn. Take it away, Phil!

10:43 Still talking about Human Services. We're gonna be here a while.

10:36 We started the budget discussion 15 minutes ago. The mayor asked us to keep it to 40 minutes. We are not even through one person. I despair.

10:31 Questions for Karen. I think we should just vote to give her what she wants. It'll be quicker. But then, I guess that's why I'm not on Council.

10:30 Leonard, the Council Groupie, audibly breaks wind, sending the director of parks, previously seated behind him, fleeing. I am not kidding.

10:29 I pray for the Green Light - Yellow Light - Red Light system to engage automatically.

10:28 Seven minutes in, she introduces her bullet points.

10:26 I don't think Karen's trying very hard to keep it short.

10:21 Teresa, the budget manager, kicks it off. Human Services first -- Karen?

10:20 The mayor asks everyone to make it short. The mayor woke up at 5:00 this morning.

10:20 Oy vey. Budget presentations from each department, apparently.

10:19 Roll call! Yes times seven.

10:18 We have moved on to Consent Agenda and Blah Blah Blah.

10:14 No more public to be invited to be heard. But the mayor is taking us off the agenda for a moment to thank the planning staff for their work. She also "thanks" EthicsWatch or whatever for filing the Freedom of Information Act request that made the planning staff work extra hard -- if by "thanks" you mean, "passive aggressively talks smack about".

10:11 Another addictions speaker! "Ten percent of our population qualifies for full-service addiction services, and 70% is affected by folks with addictions." Hachi machi!

10:10 The man next to my friend is making my friend look up baseball scores online. Way to keep your head in the Council game, dude.

10:09 There seems to be lots of addiction issues in [name of town redacted]. This is the second speaker in a row discussing addictions and recovery services.

10:07 Red light! Shut it!

10:06 Yellow light! (as predicted)

10:04 Man takes 2 full minutes (of his allotted 3) to explain how brief his comments will be.

10:03 Woman (who clearly has a pre-school-aged child) protests the cutting of the pre-school program. Everyone in the room is thinking, "Come on, red light!"

10:02 Man who thought he was rhetorically quite clever just invited all Council members to step down because he disagrees with their budget handling. He is met with nervous laughter at best, derisive glares at worst. He leaves before the red light imperative.

9:59 Here's what's awesome: there's a green light, yellow light and red light on the podium where people speak, and when the red light hits, they're cut off. Mid-sentence, even! The mayor is a cruel mistress.

9:57 If we're lucky, they'll all be as boring as this first guy, and not really as crazy as I predict they will actually be...

9:56 Oh, hold on tight. Here comes the three-minute "First Call - Public Invited To Be Heard."

9:55 I remember that during the break, I learned that [name of town redacted] Council meetings will soon be webcast. So if you like this, leave me a comment and we may do this again.

9:55 Roll call! Yeses all around! And I still don't know what they just voted on!

9:54 A motion! And a second! God, help us! We might get out of here before midnight.

9:53 Kathy just used the phrases "Parcel A," "simple interest," "subordinating," "portion attributable to Parcel B" and "maturity date." And no one laughed. I guess she's serious.

9:50 Roll call! The wildcard Council member votes No, everyone else votes Yes. On what? I still have no idea.

9:48 A Council member indicates she'll be voting No on this hearing because she thinks it sucks she thinks more should be spent on economic development and not so much on housing or whatever it is we're discussing.

9:41 Kathy, the delightful woman discussing the aforementioned CDBG and HOME funds, asks if anyone has any questions, and is met with disinterested silence, until a Council member points out an error on her sheet. Why didn't she mention it upfront?

9:36 We discuss something called CDBG and HOME funds. You tell me.

9:36 Aaaaaaaand, we're back! Strangely, less than half the audience remains.

9:22 Roll call! Apparently we made it back just in time for Yeses all around (whatever the airport manager dude was talking about got a thumbs-up) and a 10-minute break.

9:21 We just took a 28-minute break and they're still having the same discussion.

8:53 Loud Man has maps! And diagrams! Something about the airport, I'm thinking!

8:51 The City employee tasked with staffing the sound board is apparently out of the room, as a man who I do not know has just started talking and it's really, honestly, way too loud. My friend, who is three months pregnant, tells me coincidentally that her baby can hear things now -- seriously, even if it was three weeks ago and the baby's sense of hearing was a way's off, s/he would have been able to hear this man.

8:49 The nice man who is the airport manager is far more interested in what he's talking about than anyone else in the room. Like, quantitatively -- empirically, measurably.

8:47 A nice man who is the airport manager is now speaking about something called Mile-Hi Aviation Center...something to do with skydiving, I think. But, really, at this point, who can say?

8:46 Just over an hour after it starts, that whole Creepy [Name of Addition Redacted] episode is over.

8:42 I realize I am so lost.

8:40 The mayor is extremely concerned about proper procedure, and she apparently refuses to believe the dude who says, "Yeah, we're doing it right."

8:39 Now we have to do an appeal hearing for the public hearing that they all just voted yes on. (I think.)

8:38 Council member makes "funny" joke about the names of the street in the addition in question. Kiki -- again, I swear to God: "Kiki" -- explains that they were thrown together at the last minute at a Council meeting one night. Professional!

8:37 Roll call! Yes on everything, but I don't really know what "Yes" means.

8:36 I am told that half the Council members are running for mayor. I fear for the future of [name of town redacted].

8:32 I realize my joy about us moving to page 2 at 7:41 was, perhaps, premature.

8:30 Man from the public uses the word "bummer" in his remarks. Without irony.

8:27 Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, now we hear from the freaks. Public discussion begins.

8:25 Oh, sweet Jebus. After 44 minutes of discussion, it turns out we might perhaps need a public hearing before anything can go forward on this addition issue.

8:20 Another man is speaking about this same issue. As he approached the microphone, he carried a large display board. Official!

8:18 CONTROVERSY! Part Deux -- Another Council member believes that the information provided was confusing and not helpful.

8:17 The mayor responds in an informative and supportive way.

8:15 CONTROVERSY! A Council member says she's concerned and specifies what she's concerned about, which I do not understand.

8:05 A man named Kiki, and I am not kidding, has just started talking. He seems bitter and rambly. I have given up trying to stay engaged.

8:01 Leonard, the Council Groupie who has taken an unnatural interest in local government happenings, is wandering around aimlessly. He takes a seat and begins to squirm, inexplicably.

7:59 I realize the addition they're discussing is actually the cool addition that I think is cool but the locals think is creepy, like a Stepford Town. In fact, they call it "Creepy [Name of Addition Redacted]".

7:57 I begin to wonder if the reporter from the local media outlet actually does any actual reporting at Council.

7:55 Ack. It wasn't enough to hear from the woman who was actually at the planning commission meeting, now we must hear from the addition's developer.

7:54 My friend offers to actually explain what's going on. I politely defer.

7:50 I consider becoming a danger to myself or others. I seriously cannot imagine doing this on a weekly basis. I have much greater esteem for my friend and her calling in local government.

7:46 A Council member discloses (shockingly!) that she lives in [name of addition being considered] and asks for a judgment on whether there is a conflict of interest. There is not; we all breathe a sigh of relief.

7:44 The very nice woman is talking about amendments, approvals, more amendments and more approvals. I die a little on the inside.

7:41 Hey! We're already on page 2 of the agenda! A new woman is up there talking about some sort of addition to an addition.

7:40 Roll call! All the Council members vote in favor of meth in favor of curbing meth in [name of town redacted].

7:39 I learn that the large, pony-tailed man is actually [name of town redacted]'s undercover meth cop.

7:38 The mayor just said "meth" so I think I'm still up to speed.

7:37 A Council member with the shiniest head I've ever seen on a human asks a question. I start to wonder if perhaps we have moved on to another issue, as there is now a large pony-tailed man speaking from a different spot from the microphoned man.

7:35 I begin to think that attending Council was perhaps unwise.

7:33 ATTENTION CHECK: Everyone's awake for the Meth Ordinance.

7:31 The mumbler is speaking less mumblily, but now he's going on about probable cause and the nature of the ordinance, and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

7:30 My friend fixes the microphone.

7:29 Now we're talking about meth labs and an ordinance about nuisances. The man speaking seems nice enough but even though he is using a microphone, he is a mumbler and I cannot really understand/hear him.

7:28 More pictures, more applause (as in, applause a second time, not necessarily a greater quantity of applause).

7:28 The mayor PROCLAIMS Fire Prevention Week.

7:26 She ends with "An ounce of prevention is truly worth a child's life." I imagine she's going to Cliché Hell later tonight.

7:25 Honest to God, she's still going. And she's using the word "outreach" as a transitive verb. As my friend Julmille just said, "Scott, I outreach you!" Indeed -- "I outreach you, too."

7:20 A nice woman in a denim jacket reads a speech about fire prevention education in local schools. She just said "Sparky the Fire Dog."

7:15 The same man in the uniform takes on the next agenda item, confirming my suspicion that he is, in fact, the fire chief, as he reads a nice speech about Fire Prevention Week, October 7 - 13.

7:15 A group picture is taken with the uniformed man, the suited woman, the mayor, and several others who helped to make Inclusive Communities Week happen. It is actually far less cool than it sounds.

7:13 Young man who did an Inclusive Communities poster presents a signed copy to the Council. It is actually much cooler than it sounds.

7:11 ATTENTION CHECK: 6 Council members awake, one zoned out.

7:08 A nice woman in a suit talks about the last five year's progress in the City of [name of town redacted]'s inclusiveness efforts: education, health, housing, cultural involvement, community involvement, economic development.

7:05 Man in snazzy uniform (fire chief, maybe?) reads a nice speech about inclusive communities.

7:03 Meeting called to order. We say the Pledge of Allegiance. I say the Pledge of Allegiance for the first time in at least 15 years. I remember it. Barely.

7:00 We are not starting the meeting.

7:00 Time to start the meeting.

6:55 Just met the woman from the local media who's here to cover the meeting. Won points with her by getting the childproof outlet cover off the outlet closest to our table.

6:45 The dude in charge of the town's cable system asks some other dude about aerial shots of [name of town redacted]. Other dude says "No problem. You want us to strap you in and let you shoot out the door?" and I assume he's joking. He is not.

RHB

Rocky Mountain Highs and Lows

Sorry for the lack of posting, my handful of faithful readers. I've been on vacation in Colorado since Saturday, and it has been a whirlwind. Here's a rundown:

Saturday
  • Arrived at the Denver airport about 11:00 local time

  • Went to lunch at a place called Cinzzetti's, which is like if Olive Garden and Number 8 China Buffet had an illegitimate, but delicious and reasonably priced, child

  • Headed to Boulder
  • Took the factory tour (for the fourth or fifth time) at Celestial Seasonings Tea (insider's tip: watch for new Celestial Seasonings packaging starting soon!)
  • Hung around Boulder at the Pearl Street Mall -- watched street performers, had dinner at a nice sidewalk cafe, shopped

  • Went to The Reef, a dueling piano bar

  • Crashed after a day's worth of travel and fun and went home to Longmont
Sunday
  • Big breakfast at Aunt Alice's

  • Hung out at Archery in the Wild and, while Jeff and Aron got their newly-purchased hunting bows set up and customized, played around on the shooting range (now that the kayak is gone, I may take up the archery)

  • Went for a walk around Lake McIntosh, which is close to Sandi and Jeff's house and which is home to Lake McIntosh Farm, an insanely pricey lakefront neighborhood ("The American Dream," indeed)

  • Drove back out to Boulder to a place called Gateway Park (Boulder County's only complete indoor/outdoor fun center) for putt-putt and miscellaneous revelry

  • Came home and watched Hot Fuzz and ordered pizza

Monday
  • Oh

  • My

  • God

  • I was so sick on Monday morning, with barely manageable explosions from all digestive orifices. So, basically, all I did on Monday was lay on the couch and moan as I sipped Diet Ditto (which, as far as I can tell, is some sort of store brand Diet 7Up) and shamefully watched a marathon of VH1's make-you-sigh-or-say-ugh-twenty-times-in-one-hour The Pick-Up Artist, leading up to last night's season finale.
Today, I'm feeling MUCH better and I'm looking forward to getting out and enjoying some time around Longmont -- I might drive up into the mountains, or I may just spend a quiet day at the Starbucks, or I may head into Boulder again. We shall see...the good news is, I feel tons better and life is once again looking great!

Oh, and when I retire, I'm totally moving out here.


Friday, September 21, 2007

From the comedy geniuses who brought us "Monkey With Bulldog"

So, remember when that Japanese show taught that monkey to take the subway? We'll they're at it again, this time with hilarious results, if by "hilarious" you mean "emotionally scarring in a lasting and significant way":

Je voudrais danser Tecktonikment.

Have you heard about this Tecktonik dance craze?

Matt Drudge tells me it's sweeping Paris.

And Matt Drudge knows his French dance trends.

So I looked it up on YouTube. Apparently it's like a rerun of Rerun:





Compelling. Don't be surprised if I bust out some Tecktonik at the next wedding and/or bar mitzvah I attend. Or, maybe, just some old-school Rerun.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Sending Out an AKB: All Kayaks Bulletin

Alas, poor Kayak; I knew him...

So somebody stole my kayak. It was unassumingly tucked away in my "back yard" (which is really just the open area behind the condo) and it has disappeared.

Either the alligators came for it (as predicted) or someone is now the shameful, thieving, lying bastard proud owner of one inflatable kayak.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

My niece is so cool, she makes Cookie Monster look good.

Broadway In The News!


As the reporter above is poised to tell you, on Sunday, Dr. Eugene White, superintendent of Indianapolis Public Schools, preached a message of hope and inspiration at two worship services at Broadway United Methodist Church.

Dr. White's visit coincided with an op-ed that ran in Sunday's Indianapolis Star, announcing his third year at the helm of IPS as the year of "The Revolution." Responding to criticism about his decision to enforce a student uniform dress code in IPS schools this year, Dr. White said he and his educator colleagues will focus intensely this year on "the way we look, the way we act, and the way we teach and learn."

And one of the local network affiliates sent the aforementioned reporter and a cameraperson to cover the event. You can find their write-up of Dr. White's visit and a two-minute news feature here.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

"Not Now, Monkey. Dammit, Birdie -- I Said, Later!"


My awesome niece Madelynn had her first All-Dad-All-The-Time Adventure Day yesterday. So, what did they do? They went shopping, of course!

First order of business? A #18 Colts mini-jersey. Once that was taken care of, it was on to the good stuff: a new play gym. Which she, apparently, loves to play with until she falls asleep under it (see above).

I love her triumphant pose, which I shall call the Victory Nap (like uncle, like niece), with both arms extended in celebration, perhaps dreaming of another Colts Super Bowl win.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Brett Somers, 1924 - 2007

Friends, I have bad news. First, it was CNR; now, it's my sad duty to report that Brett Somers (sometimes credited as Brett Somers-Klugman -- did you know she married Quincy?) has died. She was 83. And also, curiously, Canadian.

It's not all that surprising that she passed away so shortly after Charles Nelson Reilly. It's a documented phenomenon that once one member of a famously snarky platonic-because-he's-gay-and-she's-married celebrity pair dies, the other one dies shortly thereafter.

PS -- If you want a 1970's throwback, click here to hear a non-stop loop of the Match Game theme song vamp bridge.

Freaky Deaky Illusion

Yes, another one.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Frankly, Scarlett, I Donut Give A Damn

Oh, my gosh, y'all -- FANTASTIC NEWS!

Apparently, AIDS has been cured in Indianapolis! Homelessness in Indy is a thing of the past! No one in Central Indiana is hungry or naked! Drop poverty, racism, violent crime, cancer, mental illness, and crises of faith in the history books!

For you see, the most pressing ministry priority at one of the largest mainstream churches in Indiana is not healing the sick, or feeding the hungry, or clothing the naked. Rather, the most pressing ministry priority at my church is "What room are the donuts in?"

Over a course of weeks -- nay, months -- the staff, clergy, and lay leadership of St. Luke's United Methodist Church* have been in tense negotiations over a proposal to move the "donut room" from the Fellowship Hall, directly across from the Sanctuary, to the Great Hall, down a corridor about 50 yards. The move was deemed necessary to embrace our professed commitment toward hospitality -- visitors and others found the Fellowship Hall set-up intimidating, as there wasn't sufficient room for mingling, and current members clustered in groups, not welcoming new faces.

So a few weeks ago, the donut room was moved to the Great Hall.

And, from what I can tell, all Hell broke loose.

A week ago, St. Luke's hosted "Friend Sunday," an initiative to bring more people into the church for worship (working toward that elusive goal of 5,000 people in worship on a Sunday -- attendance this past Sunday was 3,100, and that is not a typo).

This week, Dr. Kent Millard, St. Luke's senior pastor, devoted a big chunk of his "Midweek Message" to the Great Donut Debate. Members and others seem to have lost their minds over the location of donuts, to the extent that the people in charge have changed things yet again -- now, donuts are available in BOTH locations. Which, seriously, if you can get a donut by walking 20 feet, or you can get a donut by walking 150 feet, which are you going to choose?

So much for hospitality.

Anyway, apparently plenty of volunteers are available to manage donuts in two locations. Apparently the "outward focus" of St. Luke's was just a phase. Apparently there's nothing better for the staff, clergy, and members of St. Luke's to do than talk about donuts.

I kind of think that's not exactly what Jesus had in mind.


*UPDATE TO CLARIFY: St. Luke's is still the church that I call my spiritual home. I work at Broadway, but St. Luke's remains my church. I'm tempted to add "for now" but am going to buck up and work through this donut-based frustration...will keep you posted.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

From the Desk of J. Scoobert Doo, Music Executive

In a misguided attempt at being timely and trendy, the recording industry has invented this ... thing.

It's a CD, with a new hit song and maybe a couple other songs on it like a CD (but who buys CD's anymore?) and it also has this ... code, see? And you use the code to download a ringtone on the Interwebs.

It is a single + a ringtone. It is ... wait for it ... a "ringle". Relp me, Raggy.

The ringle seems to combine everything you hate about buying CDs:
  • driving to the store

  • dealing with other humans

  • having to lug around a scratchable, breakable, loseable music storage medium
with everything you hate about your -- and other people's -- cell phones:
  • having to pretend not to cringe when the phone of the soccer mom behind you in line rings with the Pussycat Dolls' "Don't Cha"

  • having to pretend not to cringe when my own phone the phone of someone else who totally isn't me rings with "Copacabana"
all at a price of $6 or $7 for three songs plus a ringtone!

Totally. Not. Worth It.*



* Of course, I say that now, because I am a follower. Once I experience the "ringle" in person, I may change my tune. (Get it? Change my "tune"? Bwahahaha!)

Do Not. Mess. With Pluto.

There are no words to describe this:



Oh, wait -- "Awesome."

Friday, September 14, 2007

I am SUCH a trend-setter

People heard I was buying a car in August, so everyone wanted to follow suit.

Yes, friends, I am single-handedly responsible for the US's August retail sales rebound.

You may thank me with monetary gifts at your convenience.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Do Not. Mess. With Reba McEntire.

Look, we all know it's hard work to be a very rich and famous drag queen. Or whatever. (The video below is unclear on exactly why she dresses the way she does on the red carpet, in the bar, and out on the waterfront.)

But you don't have to kill-by-blowing-up your cheating husband and the rival for his heart, never-before-or-since-heard-from country sanger Linda Davis.



Ooooh, wait! Did you see what they did there? Reba McEntire isn't actually a homicidal drag queen scorn'd. Rather, she's playing a character who is a homicidal drag queen scorn'd. Or whatever.

PHINEAS J. WHOOPIE ROB REINER, YOU'RE THE GREATEST!



Editor's Note: Yes, I realize this video is almost 15 years old. So what?

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

This dragon wants to eat you

Remember that guy committing unspeakable acts with his hollow Charlie Chaplin mask?



Well, one of his countrymen has worked up something similar with a dragon thing, which is apparently quite the internet phenomenon. There's no shortage of dragons-made-out-of-paper illusions on YouTube.

Monday, September 10, 2007

I Want More Of This.

The good folks at Harrod's, the department store in London with pretty much anything you'd ever want to buy, recently had a $120,000 pair of shoes on the premises. Apparently designer Rene Caovilla went crazy with the Bedazzler and genu-wine crystals and turned your basic $35 pair of shoes into something requiring special security.

And special security they came up with.

Chiggity check it to the right...

Yes, for some reason, they thought an Egyptian cobra was the best defense against shoe-burglars. Which, on first thought, doesn't seem all that cost-effective (marketing value aside). However, I kind of think we should do more of this.

Got a swimming pool with sensitive documents at the bottom? Hire a shark.* A large greenhouse you don't want tampered with overnight? Hire a tiger. A bank vault full of bananas? Hire...I don't know...Dogs? Bees? Dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you? Probably anything other than monkeys, I'd guess, because you know how they are.

I really think there's something to this old-fashioned security-animal business. (Patent pending.)



* Joke from the cutting room floor: A pool shark! Get it?! Bwahahaha!

Runaway Box

I've added a new link over on the left-hand side. It's Runaway Box, and I put it under the PG-13 links because every now and then there's some PG-13 language, but for the most part it's just good ol' fashioned office-themed sketch comedy fun.

One of the video series is called Elevator, and it features hilarious vignettes which all take place in ... wait for it ... an elevator. Por ejemplo:



But more than Elevator, I enjoy Man In The Box, an Office-Space-meets-The-Office riff that comes in bite-size 2-minute portions. Par example:



And then every now and then they go off the board and bust out something like this -- the "One-Semester-of-Spanish Spanish Love Song":



Check 'em out!

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Even when the weather is cold, cold, cold...

...Appalachian is HOT, HOT, HOT!



So, not only did the Appalachian State University Mountaineers beat the then-number-5-ranked University of Michigan Wolverines (IN Ann Arbor), but they have also put together one kick-butt recruitment video. I love that this video had to go through at least three levels of administrative approval, not to mention the cast of literally tens that assembled to sing the song and edit the video, and it STILL got made. Nobody said, "Umm, this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard and/or seen"?

I especially like the Saved-By-The-Bell music track, the part about bungee racing, and the van de Graaff generator picture. If I could do it all again, I'd totally choose the school that had (a) the best chance for me to run into Mr. Belding, (b) the hottest outdoor party games of the early 1990s, and (c) the most Mr. Wizard-style lab tricks.

Internet People

This song is like "We Didn't Start The Fire Dot Com."



I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I get way more than 50% of the references. And even more shocking is the number of references that have appeared on this blog.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Rare video from 19th Century England...

...shows how Jack the Ripper got his start. And his nickname.

Fun fact: Jack the Ripper's real name was Ethan.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Great.

Now I have to worry about orcas on the loch. Thanks for the tip, Lisa!

Sunday, September 02, 2007

If you're ever looking for me on the loch...

...here's my route -- 1.54 miles of pure zig-zagging, loch-lapping kayaky bliss.


Of course, I realize that, now that you all know I'm in the Eagle Creek area, you could decipher the location of my loch from the above photograph taken from 2,490 feet, and I am in clear and present danger of being hunted down and killed by my deranged legions of stalkerish fans.

But look where that got the guy that killed the girl from "My Sister Sam." I wouldn't recommend it -- life sentence + multiple stab wounds = suck.

I actually fear the hypothetical gators more than I fear my legions of stalkerish fans, deranged or otherwise. So, stalk away!