Tuesday, November 27, 2007

You (have really, in no way, at all) Asked For It!

I can't really go into details about why I am making this post. Just accept it, dear reader, and love me anonymously and unconditionally, the way you always have.

There are some things I need to get off my chest:

  • When I was 7 years old, I stole a key chain from a gift shop at Busch Gardens. When my mom found out, she made me take it back to the specific gift shop it came from and apologize.

  • When I was 8 years old, I said the word "damn" while playing with my Fisher-Price Adventure People. My big brother turned me in. I did not swear again until I was 17 years old, alone, in the privacy of my car. Nowadays, I swear like an angry, drunken sailor, except when I am at work, where I swear like a quiet, sober sailor.

  • On a dare, I stole a poinsettia from a restaurant in Chicago in December 2001. It is possible that I was the originator of the dare.

  • While on the way to my first mission trip in West Africa, I may have ended up at a strip club in Rome.

  • I once inherited a cat from a roommate who moved away and when I had to give her up when I myself moved to Canada, I took her to the Humane Society but told friends that another friend with a big happy cat family had adopted her. This is a fib that I have maintained -- with pretty elaborate untruths, including updates on the cat's liver disease -- for over four years...until literally right now. (But I totally kept track online and she was adopted in two days!)

  • And in that vein, when the third of my three office goldfish died within six months, rather than admitting I couldn't keep goldfish alive, I told friends that I had released him in my friend's backyard pond.

  • The United Methodist Church, my religious denomination and also my employer, is strictly opposed to gambling, characterizing it as "a menace to personal character and social morality," and yet I play the lottery frequently and aggressively.

  • At the age of 24, I began working at a university career center with no experience or relevant education at all. It will come as no surprise that I excelled as an interview coach.

  • I have had 19 different mailing addresses in 15 years.

  • Things I have in common with Carrie Underwood include blond hair, being the youngest child, and polythelia.

  • I lived with my parents for a year and a half in my early 30s.

  • My terribly immature behavior led to a lifetime ban from the boardgame Sorry.

I'm not sure it would be wise for me to talk about why this list is appearing here, but I may have news for you in the future. Please forgive me if any of the above specifically affected you! And if you can think of anything else I need to get off my chest, feel free to submit ideas in the Comments!


Anonymous said...

Looks like you learned your lesson about swearing... at least until you were 17!!!


PS - I swear from time to time.. Morning time til bed time :-)

SSS said...

Haha, no. I learned the lesson about doing anything in front of you, bro. Based on the way you busted me, it is no surprise that you became a cop.

Anonymous said...