Tuesday, November 27, 2007

You (have really, in no way, at all) Asked For It!

I can't really go into details about why I am making this post. Just accept it, dear reader, and love me anonymously and unconditionally, the way you always have.

There are some things I need to get off my chest:

  • When I was 7 years old, I stole a key chain from a gift shop at Busch Gardens. When my mom found out, she made me take it back to the specific gift shop it came from and apologize.


  • When I was 8 years old, I said the word "damn" while playing with my Fisher-Price Adventure People. My big brother turned me in. I did not swear again until I was 17 years old, alone, in the privacy of my car. Nowadays, I swear like an angry, drunken sailor, except when I am at work, where I swear like a quiet, sober sailor.


  • On a dare, I stole a poinsettia from a restaurant in Chicago in December 2001. It is possible that I was the originator of the dare.


  • While on the way to my first mission trip in West Africa, I may have ended up at a strip club in Rome.


  • I once inherited a cat from a roommate who moved away and when I had to give her up when I myself moved to Canada, I took her to the Humane Society but told friends that another friend with a big happy cat family had adopted her. This is a fib that I have maintained -- with pretty elaborate untruths, including updates on the cat's liver disease -- for over four years...until literally right now. (But I totally kept track online and she was adopted in two days!)


  • And in that vein, when the third of my three office goldfish died within six months, rather than admitting I couldn't keep goldfish alive, I told friends that I had released him in my friend's backyard pond.


  • The United Methodist Church, my religious denomination and also my employer, is strictly opposed to gambling, characterizing it as "a menace to personal character and social morality," and yet I play the lottery frequently and aggressively.


  • At the age of 24, I began working at a university career center with no experience or relevant education at all. It will come as no surprise that I excelled as an interview coach.


  • I have had 19 different mailing addresses in 15 years.


  • Things I have in common with Carrie Underwood include blond hair, being the youngest child, and polythelia.


  • I lived with my parents for a year and a half in my early 30s.


  • My terribly immature behavior led to a lifetime ban from the boardgame Sorry.


I'm not sure it would be wise for me to talk about why this list is appearing here, but I may have news for you in the future. Please forgive me if any of the above specifically affected you! And if you can think of anything else I need to get off my chest, feel free to submit ideas in the Comments!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Looks like you learned your lesson about swearing... at least until you were 17!!!

JJ

PS - I swear from time to time.. Morning time til bed time :-)

SSS said...

Haha, no. I learned the lesson about doing anything in front of you, bro. Based on the way you busted me, it is no surprise that you became a cop.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha!!!