Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Even if the premise is untrue, this is pretty funny

I got an e-mail forward today with the following premise: each year, English teachers from around the US submit the most awful analogies and metaphors from high school essays, and the following are the winners. Even if these are totally made up, I find many of them hilarious.

Here goes:
  • Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
  • He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
  • Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
  • He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
  • The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
  • The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
  • From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
  • Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
  • John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
  • He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
  • The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
  • The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

4 comments:

The Zoo Keepers said...

This actually made me laugh out loud, so I am going to go with funny. Decisively.

jss said...

"Exactly like a bowling ball wouldn't." That is hilarious!

K.T. said...

This made me laugh out loud. Much like an audience member at the Late Show with David Letterman during Dave's reading of the Top Ten list. Except I wasn't cold. Because my living room is warmer than the studio at the Ed Sullivan Theater.

SSS said...

This made me laugh out loud when I originally read it.

And KT's comment also made me laugh out loud!

Awesome.