Monday, April 28, 2008

Blogtastic Flashback!

I'm going through old "funny" e-mails I sent two years ago, pre-blog. Here are some of them:

Saturday, September 24, 2005
Subject: The next four hurricane names - not threatening!

At least Katrina sounds like a Russian whore who will bite you and steal your shoes. And Rita sounds like a Latina hottie who will cut you (or, possibly, be one of the few artists to win a Grammy, Emmy, Oscar, Tony, Golden Globe AND Cable Ace Award). Threatening!

But these are the next four hurricane names for the 2005 season: Stan, Tammy, Vince, and Wilma. Not threatening, unless they're the swingers at that freaky-deaky club in Muncie, in which case they are terrifying.

Come on -- how much would it suck to have to say "Tammy destroyed my house" or "Life hasn't been the same since Wilma"?

Wednesday, October 5, 2005
Subject: So, I'm watching Maury...

It's "Sexy, Shocking Updates!" day on Maury.

They just did a sexy, shocking update on a show ("Crazy Opposites In Love!") which featured "Little Lacey," a featured stripper -- whatever that is -- who is also a midget, who is in love with a very very tall man. So, we get the update that Lacey is on a tour of Texas ("Good luck, Lacey!"), but we get no update as to the fate of the relationship with the tall guy. Teases.

THEN, they did the update of "My mom is 100% sure I'm not the father of your baby!" (I'm not even making that up.) Said show featured this guy whose mom was positive that he was not the father of either of the babies whose mothers accused him of being the dad. (Got that?) Anyway, the original show concluded that the guy's mom was, in fact, correct, and the paternity tests concluded that he was the father of neither child. And yet the only "Sexy, Shocking Update!" Maury provided was that the both newborns are fine and healthy. There was no, "And the paternity tests were proven wrong and he WAS the father!" or "And they all died in a Murder-Murder-Suicide pact!" or anything. Neither sexy, nor shocking, nor -- for that matter -- an update, really. You suck, Maury.

Saturday, December 3, 2005
Subject: "Like unbeatable" is not "unbeatable."

But (genetically-engineered, chemically-enhanced cyborg) military amputee Paralympians are definitely unbeatable.

Thursday, January 5, 2006
Subject: I crap you not: "Movies That Rock" edition

I've seen some funny things in my time. Even some things I'd describe as hilarious.

But this? Oh, dear God:

So Grease is the VH1 Movies That Rock feature this afternoon, and it's on in the break room.

(Wait for it...)

And, go figure, the same Benny Hill / Boy Meets World crowd is fully into Grease.

(Wait for it...)

So I come back from the food court with my chicken bake and Coke and almost fall on the floor when I see eight cashiers, stockers, and assorted maintenance workers who were -- wait for it -- doing what I can only characterize as an enthusiastic rendition of the hand-jive. And I do not mean mocking the hand-jive; I mean full-on, goofy-smilin', hand-jiving, good, clean 50's fun.

My friends, this is the sort of stifled laughter on par with that caused by Natalie's Baywatch recap when I was in the Somerville Branch of the Boston Public Library in June 1998. This is the sort of stifled laughter that bursts blood vessels in your eye. This is the sort of stifled laughter that will render you infertile. I silent-cry-laughed for at least ten minutes and then every time I calmed down I'd just start up again.

It's an image that I fear is burned into my head for eternity. And I love it! :)

Saturday, April 22, 2006
Subject: This requires audio but is absolutely hilarious

Why would you go on TV -- even local cable-access TV -- if you don't know the words to your two, TWO, songs?

So you see, dear reader, I have been internettily snarky for quite some time. The advent of the blog simply made things easier on my friends' inboxes.


jss said...

Is Reva drunk? I think it's ok to hum if you don't know the words - even if you forget the chorus. Oh, was that pee running down John's leg?

SSS said...

Yes, yes, and yes.

Why did I not reply to this comment when you posted it? I just watched this video again and it's just as funny the 30th time.