Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Do I need a reality check or a marketing plan?

The last few days have led me to believe that either I consistently overestimate my own abilities or the rest of the world simply hasn't heard how great I am yet. So, I tweeted this out to the Intertubes a few nights ago, and the three responses I got, each one word, were very helpful: "Plan." "Check." "Yes." (Haha, thanks.)

Since I'm holding down the couch today, kind of sick and mostly tired, I figure I should spend some time pondering. The irony is that even though the most hammered-in underpinnings of my psyche support the message "Scott Semester is awesome," I am frequently seized by such overwhelming self-doubt that you'd think I was hiding a secret of JameGumbian proportions. (Which, to be clear, I am not. I don't even have a basement.)

But the doubt is there. When I go to a meeting of the steering committee of a fundraiser and it's "brainstorming time" yet the group responds to my good ideas with disdain, the self-doubt rears its head. When I show up at a networking event and someone says, "You look nothing like your Twitter profile," even though (a) I'm pretty sure I do even when I'm not smiling a toothy grin and (b) I have no idea what that even means, the self-doubt rears its head. And when the guy whose behavior while interviewing me for the job I didn't get was WILDLY inappropriate leaves me a message saying he'd like to give ME feedback on my interview, despite my carefully thinking through the situation and intentionally deciding not to call him back, the self-doubt again rears its ugly, ugly head. The last week or so has been pretty challenging for me.

It kind of goes back to what I posted last week -- I think I go through ups and downs of being my best me and not being my best me. But my forgiving myself is as important as (more important than?) my forgiving others.

So, as I've pondered this, I've decoded something about myself. The fact that I give a crap what other people think is a part of my personality -- part of who I am. Not everyone is like me -- and I think we can all say "Thank God" for that. I can behave in a way that's different from who I am (and, certainly, sometimes I should), but I also shouldn't be ashamed of who I am. And I sure as hell shouldn't forget all the good things that I've accomplished as a result of listening and caring, and acting on that.

Therefore, I hereby step out of the Self-Doubt Spiral. I return to blogging, and I return to all the other things that I am good at and enjoy. And I'm going to do a better job of promoting myself and letting others in on the secret that I'm pretty special. Viva la self-confidence!

Just as soon as I get over this sore throat.

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