Friday, February 12, 2010

Liveblogging the Opening Ceremonies

Hi! And welcome to my liveblog of the Opening Ceremonies of the 2010 Winter Olympics. If you're new here, welcome! And if you've been here before, welcome back!

You may have previously joined me for liveblogging the
2008 Emmy Awards, (most of) the 2008 Summer Olympic Opening Ceremonies, the 2008 Oscars, Super Bowl XLII, and a 2007 meeting of the Longmont, Colorado, City Council. As you are aware, I'll add stuff LIVE AS IT HAPPENS! at the top of this post, so if you just got here, start at the bottom of this post and read up. Then, frequently refresh this page to get my latest insightful analysis and/or merciless snark.

God bless you, and God bless America.

10:51 In fine liveblogging tradition, I decide to call the time of death of this liveblog as 10:51. The tapdance-fiddle-kilt-nightmare is the final nail in the coffin. I hope you've enjoyed it. Maybe more later if there's some sort of surprise last guest or cool torchbearer, but done for now.

10:48 There are no words. This fiddle-fueled autumnal nightmare is just bad.

10:46 "This is awful." One of us said it; the rest were thinking it.

10:40 Bill also hopes they will trot out Anne Murray.

10:39 Bill wonders if Terrence and Philip will be there.

10:37 Sarah McLachlan, ladies and gentlemen! At least it's not the dog-abuse commercial.

10:33 Good use of overhead projectors, to be sure.

10:32 The Venus DeMilo polar bear. Do not be fooled by the majesty.

10:31 This opening ceremony cost $30 to $40 million? Don't tell Haiti.

10:30 "So THAT'S where the Ark of the Convenant is."

10:27 How do they make it snow inside?

10:26 The disembodied voice of Donald Sutherland is creeping me out.

10:24 As we go to commercials, the three-story tall ice [marital aids] manage to stand at attention.

10:23 Lisa downloads the Bryan Adams/Nellie Furtado Olympic song as her ringtone.

10:22 Break it down, First Nation!

10:20 Nellie Furtado and Bryan Adams are reanimated from Prom 1991. "We'll never forget tonight!"

10:19 Here we go.

10:17 "Oh, this is just the beginning of the ceremony?" "Sweet merciful Christ."

10:17 And, your host, Canada!

10: 13 USA! USA! USA! USA!

10:11 Ukraine, get out of the way, please!

10:01 Portugal disappoints me...AGAIN. This time, it's because they only have 1 athlete.

10:00 Sacha goes back to the jello mold from earlier and tries the orange part, proclaiming it to taste like "an intense creamsicle." Bill points out that Intense Creamsicle is performing at Bonnaroo this year.

9:58 We're only like halfway through. We're going to die watching the Parade of Nations.

9:54 Lauer tells us 38 of the 82 nations here have never won an Olympic medal.

9:53 Aaaaand, we're back. Liechtenstein!

9:43 - 9:50 CUPCAKE BREAK!

9:42 Lisa loses her mind when Great Britain walks in; she is also very opposed to the Brits' berets.

9:41 Ghana's first Winter Olympian ever. Pretty awesome.

9:38 Here comes the delegation from Georgia, mourning their teammate who passed away in a training accident earlier today.

9:35 "Did I ever tell you the 'Jager sucks' story?" - Sacha

9:34 NBC redeems itself by showing us Colombia.

9:31 Bob Costas gets a potty break, as we take in some commercials. (Bill: "If we miss Colombia, I'm gonna be pissed.")

9:30 "Chili" is French for "Chile."

9:26 Azerbaijan rocks the Zubaz. Bermuda rocks the shorts.

9:25 "Doubles luge gold medalists"? Yikes.

9:22 We're on Andorra. The Indians First Nationers are going to be dancing for a while.


9:20 The First Nations of the East!

9:19:30 The First Nations of the Prairies!

9:19 The Inuit! (We are totally inuit!)

9:18 The Trappers and Hill People of Canada? Oh, the First Nations of the Something...

9:17 We collectively call bullcrap on the blonde Indian.

9:16 And now their gigantic pulsing drum thing.

9:15 The people of the First Nations welcome us to Vancouver with their gigantic ice phalluses.

9:12 Oh, shoulders.

9:09 Lipsynching another mashup: O Canada in English AND French

9:08 L'hymne nacional du Canada

9:07 "I didn't realize their pants really look like that; I thought that was a joke on Dudley Do-Right!"

9:06 God Save The Queen + O Canada = A mashup of international proportions

9:02 Yes, yes, we get it. Canada is lovely.

9:01 "There's no way this can be better than Beijing."

9:00 Mesdames et Messieurs, bienvenue a blah blah blah, hon hon hon...

8:59 100% of us hate that it takes twice as long for any announcements to be made, so that they can be made in both French and English.

8:52 25% of us were touched by We Are The World. The rest of my co-viewers are heartless bastards.

8:48 We Are The World -- download it, man!

8:44 "There's a lot of pretty intimate touching in pairs skating."

8:43 Dramatic music underscores another preview of the epicness of the upcoming games. "An action-filled menu this weekend..." indeed.

8:40 A commercial for The Palladium, a venue at The Center for the Performing Arts. Watch this blog for more info -- I got the hardhat tour today!

8:39 Hmmm, "butt pads." Also: Lindsey Jacobellis is a flirt?

8:38 Chris Collinsworth creeps out Lindsey Jacobellis. And us.

8:35 An interesting conversation unfolds among us watchers regarding Alcohólicos Anónimos. They have meetings at Bill's office building.

8:32 Apolo Anton Ohno earns his sponsorship money from 8zone, whatever that is.

8:31 A Clarian commerical puts us to sleep.

8:26 "Al Michaels looks not human."

8:25 Let us trace the path of the torch, a la Billy in "The Family Circus."

8:22 Something's a half-hour away. I'm tired. Amy comments in to let NBC know that the preschool demographic is fading fast. So much for Sara's enjoyment of the Parade of Nations...

8:20 Dan Patrick interviews icedancers Ben Agosto and Tanith Belbin about their "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" adventure getting to Vancouver.

8:19 SunChips is about to release a chip bag made of plants. It's compostable!

8:16 More commercials! But first, ridiculous dancing athletes.

8:15 "I like her hair." "She's pretty." "She is pretty."

8:13 Al welcomes us back to his Broadcast Booth of Solitude to tell us about Lindsey Vonn. Her shin is injured, but her dream is alive, with her shin. Shinshinshin.

8:12 Apparently-122-year-old Al Michaels sends us back to Whistler for some skiing. Bode Miller is an American skier.

8:11 "Are you kidding?! This is an AllState Commercial?!"

8:08 "How do you feel about Dan Patrick, Bill?" "He's good."

8:07 My chocolate is appropriately tepid. Mmmmm.

8:06 We learn that all of Bill's broadcast nemeses are being featured in NBC's Vancouver coverage: Chris Collinsworth, Brian Williams, Tom Brokaw, etc.

8:04 Chris Collinsworth introduces us to a beautiful young woman, I mean man? The Flying Tomato, Olympic gold medlaist snowboarder Shaun White, ladies and gentlemen.

8:03 Matt Lauer and Bob Costas welcome us to Beijing, I mean Vancouver.

8:01 The feature on the Saga of the Winter Olympics seems a little over-dramatic.

8:00 I complain that my cocoa is too hot. Sacha helpfully explains, "That's why it's not called 'tepid chocolate.'"

7:55 Lisa offers Shirley Temples. I decline, opting instead for a cocoa.

7:54 Aaaaand, commercials!

7:53 I take this opportunity to share that my co-watchers are Lisa, Sacha, and Bill. Sacha, Bill, and I are exponentially snarkier than Lisa, but I imagine she'll give it a go.

7:52 We look for our annoying cowbells to ring in support of our favorite ski jumpers, such as Peter Frenette, maybe?

7:51 Apparently the ski jumpers have already started with their competition.

7:45 We're done with dinner (including the part where Lisa's cat, Zoey, partook of the bread) and watching Tom Brokaw's "Canadians are like this, and Americans are also like that" report.

7:05 We're watching the Jeopardy! College Tournament Finals right now. Dinner first, then Opening Ceremonies. Check back in 20!